The Language Roots of Empathy: Why ‘Serve-and-Return’ in Language is Important in Early Childhood Education

Serve-and-Return in Early Childhood Education Blog by Dr Wayne Duncan for Coactive Education July 2026

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Oral Language development is well documented as an important foundation of subsequent language development in reading and writing. Often overlooked, however, is the vital role of empathy in social development, a cornerstone of effective relational interaction. As an empathy researcher and educationalist, I often get asked,

"When should we actually start teaching empathy?" Is it in the primary classroom? Is it through formal high school leadership programs? Or is it at the Early Childhood Education (ECE) level?

When looking at spoken language from both neuroscientific and socio-cultural frameworks, it is very clear: empathy begins in the high-chair, long before a child ever steps into the ECE or school environment. Empathy is not a switch that flips on during the ECE, primary or secondary years; it is a biological infrastructure built brick by brick through early human connection, heavily anchored by transactional language. That is, language developed through a process of serve-and-return of conversational turn-taking.  

When we interact with young tamariki (children), we are not just teaching them words; we are co-constructing a landscape of social connection and understanding. We are supporting the construction of whanaungatanga (building deep relational connections). Every back-and-forth conversational turn, what we call "serve-and-return" communication, is a profound act of relational learning. This relational learning helps build a young person’s framework for developing the ability to put themselves in another's shoes (Empathy) and use that understanding to support a stronger understanding of manaakitanga (the ethic of caring).

For many of our tamariki, from all walks of life, the ECE setting may be the first time they are truly exposed to effective, frequent serve-and-return conversational turn-taking. This may be due to the overuse of digital devices by children and their caregivers, or from busy households and limited time for tamariki and caregivers to spend in meaningful transactional conversation. ECE, therefore, is not only vitally important for language development, but also for social-relational development for all tamariki.

The Neurological Architecture of Connection

Before empathy becomes a social skill, it is a biological reality. The environment we build for a child's mind dictates how they respond to the world around them. Early linguistic interaction before and during early childhood education (ECE) directly builds the neural circuits responsible for lifelong language processing and emotional regulation. During these stages, the brain is constantly forming millions of new neural connections, a process that is heavily reliant on environmental language inputs. Rich early language exposure strengthens the prefrontal cortex, which governs working memory, flexible thinking, and self-control. In addition, supportive, language-rich caregiving lowers physiological stress markers, protecting the developing brain from toxic stress and measurable, sometimes irreversible, delays in a child's cognitive and social-emotional growth. 

The Power of Transactional Language

Language is not a passive stream of audio; it is an active exchange. It requires us to show empathy by being fully attuned to the child's communication signals. There are deeper meanings to language than merely the words, and empathic communication helps unlock this deeper understanding. This empathic communication is supported by "serve-and-return" transactional communication; the back-and-forth interactions between child and caregiver/teacher are the primary mechanism for empathic development and early learning. The priority should be on interactive communication, as research indicates the sheer number of interactive conversational turns predicts language ability better than the total number of words spoken or heard.

The most important factor is not the amount of conversation, but active listening and responding to the child in a manner contingent to the meaning they have conveyed. This is termed contingent responsiveness (responding accurately to a child's cues), which creates emotional safety, which is the foundation for exploring others' feelings. It also supports the building of attachment. This is because high-quality verbal transactions help children label their frustration, lowering behavioural tantrums, raising emotional control, and fostering self-regulation. When an adult responds meaningfully to a child's vocalisations, the child learns that their voice has power and meaning, affirming their psychological agency.  

In terms of language development, children also learn words faster through active social conversations than through passive exposure like television or audiobooks, expanding their vocabulary at a faster rate. Also, frequent exposure to transactional communication and human speech sharpens the brain's ability to distinguish subtle phonemes, accelerating literacy readiness. It should also be noted that emotional literacy and language proficiency are stronger predictors of early academic success than early reading mechanics.

The Cognitive Foundations of Empathy

We will now go deeper into the foundations of empathy and the importance of the serve-and-receive transactional communication model. To feel for another person, a child must first realise that other people have an internal world that differs from their own. This is where language bridges the gap between self and other.

The first, and possibly most important component of transactional language use is that frequent exposure to mental-state language (words like think, feel, want) helps children realise that other people have unique thoughts and motives. This in turn supports the development of a theory of mind. The development of this theory of mind allows children to attribute mental states (beliefs, intents, desires, emotions, and knowledge) to either themselves or others, recognising that other people have perspectives that are different from their own. This is an important component when empathising, being able to distinguish their feelings, thoughts and beliefs from those of others. 

  Transactional language dialogue also prompts children to consider a peer's viewpoint, or to engage in perspective-taking, a core cognitive component of empathy. ECE teachers who use diverse emotional vocabulary give children the specific tools needed to identify and label complex feelings in others, enriching their emotional literacy. Also, explaining why someone acts a certain way ("She is crying because she bumped her knee") helps children to connect external actions to internal emotions, helping them link internal feelings and states to behaviour or events.

There are also benefits in capitalising on joint attention, where child and teacher focus on the same object while talking. This acts as a critical catalyst for deepening shared attention. This deepening shared attention is vital to deepening social connection, as social connection develops faster with prolonged and frequent serve-and-return transactional communication rather than one-way broadcast, monologue or transmission. In addition, within transactional communication, discussing differing reactions to the same event teaches children that people can experience the world differently, in turn supporting the development of cognitive flexibility. Transactional language also often highlights facial expressions and body language, helping children decode implicit emotional signals and helping to demystify non-verbal cues. This, in turn, can lead to children developing their interpretive empathic capacity to not only the words spoken, but also the non-verbal cues that form a significant part of human communication and relational bonding. 

Empathy and Social-Emotional Outcomes

When we gift children language, we give them a toolkit for prosocial behaviour, steering them toward positive, inclusive interpersonal dynamics. We are supporting them to put themselves in another's shoes (Empathy) and use this to develop whanaungatanga (building deep relational connections), and from this use these abilities to live a life with manaakitanga (the ethic of caring) and to our community and environment through kaitiakitanga (guardianship, protection, and stewardship) through a deeper understanding that everything is connected.

This vision is supported by research noting that children who experience rich transactional language are statistically more likely to share, comfort peers, and cooperate in group settings, promoting prosocial behaviour. Children who regularly talk about feelings display higher levels of physiological and behavioural sympathy toward distressed peers, cultivating compassion and the precursor to displaying compassionate empathy. This individual empathic compassion and understanding can, through open dialogue about diverse human experiences, help children build empathy for individuals outside their immediate social circle and reduce social bias.

 Students who have experienced significant effective transactional communication can normally also negotiate conflicts verbally rather than resorting to physical aggression; thus, this more advanced language ability serves as a buffer against aggression. Interactive talk models negotiation, teaching children how to find mutually satisfying solutions during play, developing conflict resolution skills. 

Lifelong and Societal Impacts

The way we speak with our tamariki in ECE can help to support and shape the generational future of our communities. True manaakitanga ensures that no child is isolated due to a lack of communicative support.  

Increasing high-quality conversational turns, rather than just exposing children to sheer word counts, will also help close socioeconomic achievement gaps. High-quality conversational turn-taking with our tamariki is something we can all do, as we often already interact; we just need to ensure we mindfully interact with our tamariki with purposeful and contingent responsiveness.  

Other future benefits include supporting long-term mental health as early relational health, built through transactional language, can be a protective factor from later anxiety and depression by teaching emotional resilience. Robust early language can also be a protective factor for social withdrawal often seen in young children who struggle to express their needs. This type of interaction can support the development of moral reasoning through Conversations regarding fairness, harm, and kindness. 

Final Reflection: Empathy is a Dialogue that can be Supported within ECE

In my work with Coactive Education, I often emphasise that empathy requires active, unqualified presence. The importance of serve-and-return transactional communication is often supported in language and academic achievement; however, it should first serve as a foundation for what it is to be human. If we want to cultivate a future society grounded in mutual understanding and kindness, incorporating Mannakitanga, Kotahitanga and kaitiakitanga, we must start by putting down our digital screens and engaging in real, meaningful transactional dialogue with our tamariki.

Listen to them, validate their cues, and talk through their emotions. When you give a child your full conversational presence, you are teaching them how to one day give that same gift of understanding to someone else.

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Serve-and-Return in Early Childhood Education is written by

Dr Wayne Duncan

My expertise spans a wide range of educational contexts, from effective educational leadership to fostering relational learning environments. I am based in Southland and I have a focus on empathy and empathic communication.

As a former primary and secondary educator, principal, and educational psychology academic, I bring a wealth of both practical and theoretical knowledge to my current mahi. These include initial teacher education, research supervision, Kaupapa Māori research, and work within special education and mental health. My approach is grounded in extensive practical hands-on experience and research, allowing me to contribute meaningfully to shaping educational practices and supporting future educators.